self eulogy

if I die

a most undeserving death

do not burn me do not bury me

do not give me a funeral

throw me into a body of water

let me go back to where I had lived

let me be eaten by what we eat later

invite my mother

invite my father

invite my brother

but do not invite anyone else

burn all of my clothes

drink all of my alcohol

draw on my body with sharpies

and play a day in the life

            please

do not invite or inform

            anyone that

I had loved outside my family

to tell them is to

            ruin my social

life I just want all to wonder

'where has this gentleman gone?'

maybe I'll come back a specter

            and haunt my old haunts

like my typewriter or porn websites

or I'll play ukulele in the attic

bring a rabbi, a priest, and a philosopher

            read the scripture in latin and english

preach marxism and eat the flesh of Christ

place me under a chuppah and let met be

                        judged by a jury of sinners

let it be known that

            I was a yeoman

sired 11 sons and daughters

and that I died of grief

let my tombstone read

'this man was a subpar human being'

and toss it into the sea

make sure the coast guard presides

                        over this event

but that's if I die

if I die

a most undeserving death