self eulogy

if I die
a most undeserving death
do not burn me do not bury me
do not give me a funeral

throw me into a body of water
let me go back to where I had lived
let me be eaten by what we eat later

invite my mother
invite my father
invite my brother
but do not invite anyone else

burn all of my clothes
drink all of my alcohol
draw on my body with sharpies
and play a day in the life

do not invite or inform
            anyone that
I had loved outside my family

to tell them is to
            ruin my social
life I just want all to wonder
'where has this gentleman gone?'

maybe I'll come back a specter
            and haunt my old haunts
like my typewriter or porn websites
or I'll play ukulele in the attic

bring a rabbi, a priest, and a philosopher
            read the scripture in latin and english
preach marxism and eat the flesh of Christ
place me under a chuppah and let met be
                        judged by a jury of sinners

let it be known that
            I was a yeoman
sired 11 sons and daughters
and that I died of grief

let my tombstone read
'this man was a subpar human being'
and toss it into the sea
make sure the coast guard presides
                        over this event

but that's if I die
if I die
a most undeserving death

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